Boat Whizzin':
A Fishwrench "How To"

It's Saturday afternoon, you've just polished of your 8th Bud Light of the day, and it's time to break the seal. Ah, but you're smack dab in the middle of a heavy traffic lake with lots of shoreline houses. Regardless, you have to go. Your kidneys and bladder are bulging out your belly wall, and you can taste urine in the back of your throat. There is no question about it - you are full. Not wanting to fight a biological war any longer, you duck your boat into the nearest tranquil bay, out of the way of gaggles of curious boaters and spying jet skiers. As you free Willie and let out a sigh of plentiful relief, the boat turns in the wind, and there stands a 25-year-old graduate student, heading toward the dock in her bikini for a mid-summer tan. You are right in her line of site. What do you do...what do you do?

OPTION A - TURN AROUND: Tried often, but executed without flaw rarely, the 180-degree mid-stream turn has done more harm that good. Yes, you do turn away from the peeping onlooker, but at the same time your risk cosmetic damage to your outboard motor, marine carpeting, and possibly your fishing equipment. In no operation is collateral splatter such a high risk. Even if the move is executed with flawless precision, and all waster stays in the lake, you run the possibility of turning into the line of sight of yet another person on the opposite shore. It's too risky. This should be the last avoidance strategy on the short list, and only used when all others have failed.

OPTION B - FINISH: You're mid-stream. You could be almost done. Do you hope you're far enough away that the shore stander can't really see anything anyway? Or is it a huge blow to your ego that the bystander can't see anything? Either way, do you try to hurry-up and finish? Again, this is risky. After eight of our favorite beverages, we all run the risk of aftershock. Once the first wave of nature's nectar has been expelled, another could be close behind, all in the same execution. Now you are doomed to another free showing of your organs of generation. Hurry up and finish has become hurry up and wait.

OPTION C - PRETEND YOU'RE FIDDLING WITH YOUR ZIPPER: Quick - put that thing away! Yup, just shove the bear back into the cave from which it came. You risk overspray, and frontal discomfort, but you can than act as if you were just pulling on monofilament that became entrapped in your Levi's. Embarrassing water marks? That's nothing a good soaking of beer or cola can't concur. Aim carefully, and douse. You are no wet from waist to ankle, and no one is onto your dirty little secret, that you wet yourself on purpose.

OPTION D - NEVER PUT YOUR ROD DOWN: From shore, it's tough to see what people are doing in a boat. Someone working a jerkbait from the bow of a boat could easily look like someone taking a whiz from 100 feet away. So, never put your rod down. Instead, tuck it under arm while your work your urinary magic. Fred can flop around in the cool summer's breeze all day, but as long as you have rod in hand, or are at least looking like it's in hand you can avoid a post-flowage audience. Thy rod is your savior.

OPTION E - CURL OVER AND DIE: You tried to turn around, you employed 'hurry up and finish', you zipper fiddled, and held your fishing rod but dropped it. Now what? You're out of options patron pee-er. How embarrassing this must be for you. It's time to curl over and die like the slug you are. You're polluted one of the most widely used recreational lakes in your area, and you've done it in front of full view of the lakeshore tribunals. You've whizzed your way into lake banishment. Hang your head low, idle away, and never come to this lake again.

Caught whizzing by a 25-year-old college hottie? No problem. Employ one of the options above and she will be none the wiser. But fail, and you may as well curl over and die.

I'm Mr. Fishwrench, and you are now Fishwrench wiser.

Mr. Fishwrench