Pull-up, Back up, Launch, Move Away

Listen up, Cracker Jack; if you're only going to hit the water with your fancy-pants boat once or twice a year, my advice to you is to stay home! I'm sick of watching you try to back down the middle of a two-boat landing while zigzagging like a drunkard in a wind tunnel. You have no business pulling your oversized boat in and out of the water 18 times before you finally get your under-sized car backing downhill in a straight line. And I don't have time to listen to your wife blow-horning at you from two boat docks away.

It's no secret that the divorce rate in this country continues to climb. 50% of all marriages end in divorce; about 35% of those are a result of a husband and wife trying to launch a boat together. Usually the wife walks out onto the second of two boat docks and starts yelling at the husband in the Buick Regal while he's trying to back his Glastron into the water for the first time of the year. While she's barking commands at him, he remembers that he has to put the plug in the boat and remove the rear tow straps. There he sits in the middle of the two-ramp boat launch tinkering with the back of his trailer. Once he's finally back in the car, the wife starts yelling again. "Left, left, left...no, the boat needs to go left." Now the husband is going even further right forgetting how to backup a trailer.

With his tiny-car/big-boat rig completely jackknifed, the wife hops into the car to take over the driving duties. The husband stands right about at the trailer hitch trying to direct his wife with hand signals that she's supposed to interpret through a rearview mirror. That's about the time she makes a right turn that should have been a left. Ka-thump! There goes the Buick's right rear tire over the husband's foot. A few profanities later, and the Glastron and Buick are going to the wife following a bitter divorce. If I were a lawyer, I wouldn't chase ambulances; I'd chase tiny-cars pulling big boats. There's bound to be a divorce looming, and I'm the one who wants to gather the big lawyer paycheck from it. I can see the advertisement now..."Come to Mr. Fishwrench, your jackknifed trailer divorce expert."

Argh! It doesn't have to be this way. Just stay home - everyone at the boat landing will be glad you did, I don't have to watch you as you waste 45 minutes of my prime fishing time, and your marriage will last that much longer. Just stay home. But, if you must take that big boat out for those two trips a year (one of which the boat has dead batteries, so you have to paddle back to shore with a water-ski you never use) at least heed my rules of boat ramp etiquette. If you don't, I will find you and I will sink your boat, because I don't think you're deserving of a boat to begin with.

If you had any sense of pulling a boat at all, you would know that Honda Accords do not make good tow vehicles. I don't care if you're pulling an eight foot aluminum dingy, a jet ski, or 4x8' trailer full of marshmallows - it just ain't a good tow vehicle. Try something bigger - maybe a Ford Ranger or Chevy S-10 will due if you don't want a full-size truck. Just make sure you match the size of your truck to the trailer you're going to pull. A Ranger can pull a lot, but it's not going to be pulling a 26' Larson anytime soon. The same applies to your Cadillac or Buick Regal. It won't pull a Fountain, Ranger, Four Winns, Powerquest, or Baja. The frame of your little car will rip in half long before you ever make it to the boat landing. If you're lucky enough to actually make it to the landing, you're going to get stuck. If you don't get stuck, your plush leather seats are going to be taking a bath in the bottom of the lake - the boat outweighs the car, and that's never a good match. Get a truck.

Next, take the time to practice backing up a trailer. There are all sorts of different techniques for doing this. I myself prefer to look over my right shoulder out the back of the truck. With my hand at the top of the wheel, I push down on the wheel in the opposite direction I want the back of the boat to go. Others use the rearview mirror and put their hands at the bottom of the wheel. When they have to move the trailer in a new direction, they lift on the wheel in the direction they want the trailer to go. A few people even hang their head out an open drivers side door. There they can see which direction their trailer is going in true to life form. No method is the absolute best, and each driver has their own personal preference. What's important is that they've taken the time to perfect their technique long before they ever get to the boat ramp.

A driveway or parking lot makes an excellent spot to try to back up a trailer. Designate an area using pylons or some sort of a landmark, and try backing your trailer up to that spot without it getting all wiggly. If you find that you go from being too far left with the trailer to being jackknifed to the right or vice versa, you're more than likely over steering, a common problem for those out of touch with trailering. A trailer is designed to haul big stuff. Nowhere does its design call for steering sensitivity. As a result, your input into the steering wheel may take a few seconds before the effects are seen at the trailer. Be patient, and move the wheel in small increments. The trailer will eventually get to where it's supposed to go. Once you can hit your marks 10 or 15 times in row, maybe it's time to hit the boat landing, but not before doing a few pre-launch checks.

Before your boat even comes out of the garage, storage, from under your deck in the backyard, or from the side of the house, take the time to check a few pre-launch items. Although minor, oversight of these can turn into major problems on the water. Did the kids leave the depth finder on again? If so, your battery is probably dead, and you're not going to be getting very far in a 27' boat that doesn't start. Do you have a good allotment of fuel? You're going to burn off a gallon or two just getting the boat to the dock. Nothing ruins a day on the water quicker than a boat running out of gas 50 feet from the boat launch. Will the boat turnover? Without actually starting the motor, give the key a quick turn just to make sure there's fire under the motor cover. If it just clicks, you've got problems, but at least you found them before I had to pummel you for wasting my time at a boat landing. If you have gas, batteries, and spark under the hood, you're ready for the boat landing.

Checking to make sure that the boat's rear tie-downs have been removed and the plug put in the boat should be done before the boat is put into the water. Boats sitting on the bottom of the cement ramp at a boat landing tend to logjam the launching process for others. It also makes me want to spit. However, this doesn't mean that you should pull your vehicle up and tease us onlookers by making us think you're about to back down the ramp, only to climb out of the cab to remove tie-downs and put plugs in place. This is a no-no. Being that most boat launches are busy the one or two times a year you take your boat out, there's plenty of opportunity to take care of those plugs and tie-downs while you're waiting in line. This way, you'll have a straight shot at the water once you're in boat launching position, and my time isn't wasted.

If you reference the map of a typical boat launch, you'll notice a dotted yellow line extending from the cement ramps. This is a pretty good indicator that two boats can be launched at one time from this ramp. Not all launches have this handy yellow line, but if the cement ramps are more than twice the width of your boat, you should probably just be using one side. Ramps aren't designed with lots of wiggle room, but rather for getting a large number of boats on the water in a short amount of time. Don't be a stooge and try to go down the middle of these ramps. And don't be afraid of backing your trailer down the ramp while someone else is on the other side. That's what they're designed for, and if you'd been practicing your trailering like I told you to, there shouldn't be any fear of dragging your boat down the side of another launchers truck. Of course, if you insist on being a stooge and hogging the ramp, or if you're a scared wussy and won't back down the ramp when someone else is there, I'm going to have to beat you about the head. Pull up; back in. Don't be a stooge; don't be a wussy.

Do you think that just because your boat is in the water you're done? Think again. Every dock has two sides. The side closest to the launch ramp is not for parking. If you put your boat here while waiting for your trailer to be parked, you'll be creating a problem for all of the people who were behind you in line who still need to launch. Find the side of the dock opposite the boat launch ramp. People will love you for it.

Those are the basics of boat ramp etiquette - pull up, back up, launch, move away. Of course, there are a few rules that go beyond the basics, and you'd be naked at the boat ramp without knowing them.

Do you have on of those long ropes that clip onto the bow-eye of your boat when you launch? People do this so they're feet don't get wet when they push their boat of the trailer. They can just tugboat it over to the nearest dock using their little rope and never have to start the motor. This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen! If your boat can float off a trailer, it can drive off a trailer. Climb in, start it up, and drive. Quit wasting my time, or I'll show you a rope trick of my own.

Have you ever seen those bass boat guys that entirely disconnect the winch straps and safety chains from their boat before launching? They back down the ramp really fast, mash the break pedal when the boats about to float, and it slides gracefully off the trailer into the water. That's a fast launch, and I appreciate anyone that does this. What I don't appreciate, however, are the local morons that try this with a roller-trailer. If your boat is resting on big plastic wheels while it's on the trailer, it can move at the slightest of inclines. Take off your winch strap while your boat perches on a hill, and say hello to a couple grand in repair bills. Take a closer look at these guys who do this trick - their boat is resting on bunks, and they're more than likely sponsored by a bass or ski boat manufacturer. Unless you have that kind of financial backing, I would shy away from this boat launch technique.

Do you have another person at the boat ramp with you? If you do, put one in the boat, and one in the truck. The one in the truck is responsible for backing up the trailer. Shut-up and let him do his job. The one in the boat is responsible for getting the boat off the trailer. Once off the trailer, the person in the truck should pull away and park. The one in the boat should stay clear of the dock until truck-guy has returned. There is no reason why both people should have to do both jobs. By splitting the launching responsibility between truck and trailer, docks will be kept clear of unnecessary traffic, and ensure smooth launching for the next folks in line.

Pull-up, back up, launch, move away, don't do anything stupid - follow these basic rules of boat launch etiquette, and I won't have to get out of my Chevy. Break any of these rules of the ramp, and I just might have to knock you about the head with the hardcopy of these rules, or my boat anchor - whichever I find first.

Mr. Fishwrench